Caregiving can be overwhelming, especially for the care of senior relatives like moms and dads. More often, it can be a massively physical drain and an emotionally stressful challenge. Caregiving issues can also strain family relationships. Tempers can get edgy. Points of view can get fuzzy. Feelings can get hurt. Here are three suggestions to help ease the stress load, and help to strengthen relationships as well as the quality of care that's provided.
Caregiving With Realistic Expectations
Very practically, not everyone is tempered, skilled, or in possession of enough physical and emotional strength to be a caregiver. That's especially so when caring for a loved one like a parent in his or her elder years. The issue of time and availability can be part of the challenge. Old relationship issues can also influence current opinions. And, the influence of in-laws may, or may not, be known. Mix all those factors together, and then take a half-step back and see what stands out.
Regardless of what some family members think about who should be doing what to care for Mom and Dad, it's not always going to happen that way. For everyone, there are usually enough life issues to deal with in a day's time without having to deal with what one or the other thinks another one in the family should be doing. So, from a practical, peace of mind perspective, family members can make it a little easier for one another if realistic expectations are the starting point.
Sharing Caregiving Duties
Family circumstances vary widely. For example, I recently sat for lunch at a caregiving conference with two sisters (out of nine siblings) who were looking after their mother. One of the sisters held a full-time day job. The other one looked after their mom in the home in which they were all raised. A brother lived nearby, but had repeatedly said he “… just couldn’t do the caregiving thing.” All of the other siblings lived out of state. The strain on the two sisters was obvious. Emotionally and physically they came across as bedraggled. They were looking for some answers to their issues. After hearing their real and heartfelt needs, informally, I made couple of strategic suggestions.
Realistically, expect brothers and sisters to do only what they can do. If they do more, it’s a bonus. That is, given their distances away from Mother and their various capabilities and inclinations, ask them to be involved in ways that are compatible with what they can actually do. For example, the brother who’s local might be willing to help with grocery shopping or seeing that the lawn is mowed. Sisters in far-away cities might be able to simply send notes to Mom from time-to-time. Some might be more inclined to send checks. The goal is to preserve family relationships in the best possible way for now, during the caregiving season, and beyond.
Caregiving With Everyone’s Care in Mind
The ultimate objective is as much peace in the family as can be preserved. Some family members will be able to step up to the challenge, while others may not. Keep in mind that the drain on physical and emotional resources for caregivers can also drain away sensitivities and the potential for otherwise sound reasoning. Ask yourself, what’s the current issue or question and what are the long-term ones? Are feelings based on real needs, like “Who’s going to sit with Dad this weekend?” or is it really, “I’m so tired I can’t see straight. I feel unappreciated and no one cares.” Both are legitimate, but require obviously different answers.
Perhaps a Caregiving Partnership Agreement would make sense with the primary caregiver matched up with a relative who is better suited to caring for the caregiver. See the article "Giving Care to Senior Caregivers" for more information about that possibility. Also, as difficult as it might understandably be, try to look at family circumstances using “ The Golden Rule ” as a standard, treating everyone as you’d like to be treated.
